


The Second Breakfast Gang

by Chelidona (Hobbity), islandkate



Series: Beauty and the tiny beast [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Hobbits are the worst kidnappers, M/M, Our own fantasy AU, Solarpunk AU, Unrelated Fíli and Kíli
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 16:02:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18502315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbity/pseuds/Chelidona, https://archiveofourown.org/users/islandkate/pseuds/islandkate
Summary: Prompt fill for prompt 118 from the GatheringFiKi SpringFRE 2019: A King and his Consort. Consort gets kidnapped by the most idiotic criminals the Kingdom has ever seen. The Consort knows he should be afraid, but kinda feels sorry for these idiots and wonders if he should give them some pointers, just so they can feel like they've achieved something before he busts out of the ropes they forgot to tighten properly.This provided the ideal idea for a sequel to our "Beauty and the tiny Beast story": Fíli and Kíli travel to Erebor to get married - Thorin plans to retire to the Shire with Bilbo after handing the crown to his nephew. Merry and Pippin get confused and abduct Fíli.





	The Second Breakfast Gang

Kíli’s eyes narrowed and he stared at the socks, willing them to burst into flames. If he were still an angry little chihuahua, he would have pooped in his beloved’s slippers. But now he had to find some other revenge.

On the bed before him, tattered remains of reused wrapping paper lay strewn around the offending socks - multicolored calf height socks with the words “yo dude, love your stupid face” prominently featured. Maybe he could wear them to the next important event in Ered Luin. Maybe dinner with Gandalf. He could take off his shoes and prop his stupid sock clad feet right on the table. He’d be king in a week, who would stop him? Fíli. Fíli would. Butt.

He turned away from that to contemplate the more pressing issue of how to get into the palace without hours of pomp and pageantry. Their caravan was already in Erebor. He’d directed them to make camp in a protected royal forest about an hour from their destination. The idea was to get a good night’s sleep and head into the capital fresh. If it gave him an extra night of peace and quiet to snog his darling duke, so much the better. Yet here he was moaning about a silly, loving gift while his beloved trampled around the forest looking for new seeds and cuttings. He should be moaning happily while his beloved trampled him into their mattress.

That was it! They could slip in through the servants’ entrance in their hiking clothes! The locals would just snicker and wave at their prince on one of his adventures. The caravan could take the main road in and draw all the attention. By the time Balin got done with the fanfares and military salutes to notice that they were not actually there, they would be safely in his personal chambers.

Unfortunately, Thorin and Bilbo were so excited at the prospect of retiring to the Shire that they already started sending their things ahead of them. Gossip being what it was there, several ridiculous rumors had started spreading. The most popular being that Bilbo was dying and wanted to see the land of his ancestors again before he did. Other rumors ranged from Thorin being ousted because he married a hobbit to Bilbo finally putting his foot down and realizing that he should never have left the Shire. 

The crazy rumors resulted in a party of Bilbo’s relatives arriving to get to the truth. Among that group were Bilbo’s cousin and son of the current Thain, Prince Peregrine Took, and his companion, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Esquire. Both young men were pretending to be incognito in case they had to do something brave to rescue Bilbo. They were about as inconspicuous as clowns at a funeral.

As they were lounging on a bench outside an inn, blissfully relaxed after indulging in some of the best South Farthing weed, they were in earshot of a conversation between two minor noblemen.

“What a shocking development,” the first one drawled.

“Indeed,” the other replied, his drawl even stronger. “Quite the upheaval. No king of Erebor has ever abdicated before.”

“One wonders what had happened.”

“Oh, didn’t you hear?” The second nobleman forgot to drawl while he was gloating. “Prince Kíli is getting married to the Duke of Ered Luin.”

“Oh, I see. Of course that is far more suitable than a hobbit.”

“Everyone could see that.”

The two men moved away from the window, leaving the hobbits outside gaping at each other.

“Did you hear what I heard Pippin?”

“Yes, I did, Merry.”

“Those dwarves have ousted the king for marrying dear Bilbo!”

“That prince must be a monster! Overthrowing his own uncle!”

“We cannot let that happen, can we?”

“No, we cannot.”

Half an hour of intense discussion later, the two hobbits had a plan. Obviously, taking Duke Fíli would save the Bilbo and Thorin. From what they heard, they had to fear that Bilbo was running for his life after the coup. They would have to find him, but first they needed to stop this nonsense. Of course it would be better to take Kíli, but as they didn't really know what he looked like, and all those dark dwarves looked alike, they made a very quick decision to forget about that. The blond one would be so much easier to spot!

Decision made, the newly christened Second Breakfast Gang — they had to have a name if they were going to be famous heroes without the Thain necessarily finding out — finished their pipes and headed inside for some liquid courage before setting their plans in motion.

Pippin went to find a table while Merry headed to the bar. To his surprise, a blond dwarf was already standing there, ordering a pint of ale. With his usual aplomb, he asked the dwarf, “Say, are you that Duke the Prince is gadding about with?

Fíli nearly panicked. He’d been so careful. All he wanted was an hour of quiet without pomp and circumstance. Without so much as a sip of his first ale, he was outed by a hobbit. “Shh! Please! I snuck out of the palace for some quiet, please.” He glanced at the barkeeper who served another customer and didn’t seem to have heard the cheery hobbit.

“Oh! Sorry,” Merry apologized. I help my friend hide out all the time. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder at Pippin, who graced them with a lovely but vacant smile, “Come join us? We’ll help you.”

Unbelievably, the too-trusting dwarf agreed. Merry imagined he now knew how Gandalf felt when one of his grand schemes actually worked out right. Ecstatic!

The trio laughed and sung and generally had a good time for most of the afternoon. No one made a fuss about anyone’s titles. The innkeeper was either clueless or used to such behavior from Ereborian nobles. And they had plenty of coin to keep the food and ale coming. It wasn’t until the sun began to sink in the West that Fíli realized he had been gone all day and that Kíli might be worried.

“Oh!” The blond dwarf exclaimed, “This has been such a good day! But I must get back before someone panics and sends the guard to look for me.”

Somewhere in the back of their ale-addled brains, an alarm went off in both hobbits’ heads.

“What a shame that you have to go,” Pippin complained, “Let’s have one more drink to part in good will.” And with that, he hurried off to the bar.

Merry, meanwhile, was digging a sleeping potion from their bag of heroic rescue stuff. Once Pippin returned he managed to slip in into Fíli’s drink while he was distracted by a commotion outside the window.

Once roofied, Fíli quickly became tired and uncoordinated. His two new hobbit friends offered to help him get back to the palace. They cheerfully tipped the innkeeper and barman as they shuffled out the door with the heavier, taller dwarf stumbling between them. But their destination was not the palace. They meant to spirit him away — to a guest cottage less than a mile from the palace. And it worked. Merry was convinced this was how superior Gandalf felt all the time. People really were stupid.

At the palace, however, someone was indeed panicking. It was not Kíli. Kíli was still in meetings with Dori, Balin, and Bilbo being apprised of the plans for the royal wedding and coronation and thoroughly bored. Balin, Bilbo, and Dori had everything so meticulously planned that the boys really only needed to show up and say, “I do.” And that was just fine with them. Or would be fine, if Fíli had actually shown up. Kíli was getting increasingly annoyed. They were supposed to be in this together.

It was Dwalin who panicked. The commotion outside the window had been the palace guard accosting a rather short man with blond hair. He was not the duke they were looking for. Nori was still in charge in Ered Luin and had not travelled with his duke, or this would never have happened. Dwalin could not believe it. He lost Nori’s Duke. He, Balin, and Dori would NEVER hear the end of it. Moreover, Dwalin had boasted to his lover that nothing would happen on his watch. He had to find Fíli and keep Nori from ever finding out.

Despite Dwalin’s efforts, Fíli woke up in strange surroundings. He knew he should really be afraid. But then again, the first thing he heard were his captors arguing about tea and shushing each other so as to not wake the Duke. 

As he was sitting quietly, listening to them argue about the proper way to pour tea for a duke, all the while never once checking on their captive duke, he began to feel a bit sorry for these idiots - and almost inclined to give them some pointers - just so they would feel they achieved something before he busted out of the ropes they forgot to tighten properly. In fact, the knots were so poorly done that Fíli was able to slip one hand out, scratch his nose, and put the hand back in the bindings without them even noticing.

Later that morning, assuming he’d only slept the night, Fíli was distracted from his musings by a hissed “Fíli” from the side. He looked at Merry and Pippin, who were cooking something over the fire and discussing the superior quality of Shire potatoes. And then looked left, to where his best friend was crouching. How could anyone let someone as clumsy as Ori slip by?

“Fíli, I am going to free you.”

“No worries,” Fíli whispered back. “I kind of feel sorry for these two. They’re related to Bilbo as well, so let’s play nice with the relatives.”

“Have you taken complete leave of your senses?”

“No. Go and tell Kíli I’m fine and Bilbo that his relatives are idiots.”

Two hours later, Fíli was roused by Kíli’s voice from the entrance.

“I am searching for lords Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland and Peregrin Took of Tuckborough?”

“That is us!”

“I’ve got a couple of care packages from your cousin, the prince consort Bilbo. He means to apologize that the palace is not ready to receive visitors while the guards are still looking for Duke Fíli.”

Apparently, that did not give the two hobbits the necessary clue that their dear cousin was very far from running for his life. Instead they squealed in delight.

“Oh, that is so Bilbo!”

While they were distractedly opening the packages and sampling their contents, Kíli rounded the cottage and climbed in through the window at the back. “Hey. Are you done playing dukenapping victim?”

Fíli grinned at his beloved and shook his hands free of his ropes. “I guess. Although there is hardly a boring moment with those two.”

“There is hardly a boring moment with me,” Kíli bent forward and their lips met.

Just then, Merry rounded the corner, a plate with cake in his hands while Pippin followed with some tea.

“Fíli, do you want some …” with a clatter the plate fell down. “What?”

Fíli had to laugh had their gobsmacked faces.

“You two are the worst kidnappers the world has ever seen.”

Kíli, less inclined to see the funny side, pulled out his sword, just to make the point that they better not try anything funny. “Why in Mahal’s name did you abduct my fiancé ?”

“Fiancé ? But …. Is he not betrothed to the prince?”

Kíli rolled his eyes. “I am the prince.”

“And not …”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“So? Why did you abduct Duke Fíli?”

“To save Bilbo of course.”

“Bilbo? My uncle’s consort? The one whose cake you just dropped to the floor? And who is currently harassing the cooks about the wedding menu? You should save the cooks, not him.”

Five minutes later, Fíli felt he needed to step in.

“Enough of that,” he said as sternly as he could. “Nobody wants you to kidnap Bilbo. Or the head cook. Or anyone else. No abductions. Period. We only want to know why you thought it necessary to abduct me. And what you meant to do with me. Other than feeding me good food.”

“Well.” Pippin had the grace to look embarrassed. “I guess we meant to let you go back to Ered Luin once Bilbo was safe.”

“Bilbo is safe!” Kíli interjected, exasperated, but Fíli put a hand over his mouth.

“So why do you need to save Bilbo?”

“Well...” Pippin began, but stopped in the face of a very angry Dwalin who had just burst through the door with a rather flustered Ori behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Ori peeped.

Dwalin bellowed. Fíli walked up and put a finger on his lips. “I want to hear this story. I suggest you sit quietly somewhere before I tell Nori that you lost me on my first day in Erebor.”

Dwalin looked at Kíli. “What he said,” the prince replied.

Dwalin sat.

In fact, they all sat. Merry served tea and Pippin again started their tale.

“Well, from our point of view, things looked bad. Bilbo was sending secret shipments of his belongings back to the Shire. Lobelia said he was dying and had finally come to his senses about returning all the Baggins property to where it belonged. Old farmer Maggot said she was crazy. That Bilbo’s just been amongst you dwarves too long and had finally put his foot down about who wore the pants in the family…”

Kíli snorted.

“...He figures that Bilbo had insisted that his dwarf bring him home and live like civilized folk.”

Fíli lost it. He had to lean on Kíli because he was laughing so hard.

Pippin looked scandalized but continued, “Then someone overheard a story up in Bree about your king being forced out because he married a hobbit, and a male hobbit at that. Well, we were horrified, I tell you.” He stopped for a breath and a few sips of tea. Merry distracted him with a slice of undropped cake while the betrothed tried to get themselves under control.

“We hoped we were wrong,” Merry continued, as Pippin’s mouth was full. But then we were outside the inn where we met Fíli and two of your own nobles confirmed our fears.” He repeated, mostly correctly, the conversation about the abdication and better suitability of an Ered Luin Duke over a hobbit. “So, you see, we knew you must be some horrible monster to overthrow your own uncle just because of who he loved, so we were really saving Fíli too.” He made that last bit up on the spot. If they had known Fíli first, he would definitely have been on their rescue list.

Fíli and Kíli had given up and were just roaring with laughter. Even Ori was snickering. Dwalin seethed.

Pippin picked up the tale again, “At this point, we decided to call ourselves the Second Breakfast Gang so if my father found out and didn’t like it, we might be able to convince him that it was some other hobbits in the area and not us. Imagine how surprised we were to find Fíli at the same inn where we were, and that he agreed to have drinks with us.”

All the dwarves side-eyed Fíli.

Wiping tears from his eyes, Kíli looked at Dwalin, “Take Ori and go back to the palace. Tell them we are all well and headed back presently. Have Balin make up some story about Fíli spending the evening with Bilbo’s cousins,” he looked at the hobbits in question for proper titles.

Merry straightened his vest and answered, “Prince Peregrine Took, and his companion, Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland, Esquire.”

“Yes,” Kíli continued, “Fíli was with Prince Peregrine Took, and his companion, Lord Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland, Esquire. The messenger got lost.”

Dwalin scoffed.

Kíli narrowed his eyes, “and remember not to mention anything about hobbit sneakiness, you know how much trouble you were in with Thorin last time.”

Dwalin grabbed poor Ori by the scruff of his sweater and scuttled out as fast as he could.

“Okay, Fíli said, clapping his hands, “Let’s clean up and get everyone to the palace shall we? I missed out on a whole night of snuggling.”

“And a whole afternoon of boring wedding and coronation preparation meetings,”. Kíli grinned, “I think you need to make it up to me.” He leaned in for a kiss only to have Merry bristle between them laden with crockery and cutlery.

“Get a room.”

“We’re trying! But somebody had to try their hand at dukenapping!”

They all laughed.

When they finally did get a room, Kíli’s to be exact, the young prince became very serious. “I was frightened.”

“For me?” His beautiful duke asked, lying quietly, suddenly much more tired now that he was safe and on the comfortable bed.

“Yes, for you! And for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you now. Our lives are so intertwined. We have so many plans for the future. I have so much hope to make people’s lives better here in Erebor. What if something had happened to you?”

They hugged, tightly. Holding on to each other for several minutes until the initial feelings of shock passed. Then, Fíli had an idea…

“Perhaps you could check me thoroughly to make sure I have no injuries?”

“Everywhere?” Kíli raised an eyebrow.

“Everywhere,” Fíli confirmed, “And I can check you, just make doubly sure that we are both okay.”

“Mmm…” Kíli mumbled, peeking under Fíli’s sleeve.

“Perhaps you could start here? Fíli suggested, pointing to his lips.

Kíli wasted no time doing just that. They checked each other’s lips completely, confirming what they found with soft moans. Presently, Kíli pressed his tongue against his partner’s lips and was granted access to examine inside. Before long they were examining necks, and collarbones, and chests.

Fíli seemed particularly concerned that Kíli’s nipples might have suffered and spent some time lapping and sucking the left one while he rolled the right gently between his fingers. Kíli was beneath him now, writhing in bliss at the attention. His hair splayed across the pillows in brunet waves, hands fisted in the sheets, and hips grinding up at Fíli’s abdomen…

Suddenly Fíli was on the bottom, and Kíli’s lips were checking each and every one of his ribs. With them cleared, he moved on to Fíli’s abdominal muscles. Each checked out.

Fíli was nearly checked out of his mind. He was so lost in the sensations that he could barely think. Then Kíli’s mouth engulfed a very sensitive part of his anatomy. It was the only part of him that hurt. It hurt because he was so hard and desperate to to be with the man he loved. Each touch and twirl of Kíli’s tongue sent him flying. He finally managed to gasp, “ turn around so I can check yours…”

Shuffling ensued. Had it not been a very big bed, the rest of the examination surely would have taken place on the floor. Finally, each had the appropriate anatomical parts to examine where they wanted them.

Kíli panted heavily when Fíli first reached his target. He almost released his hold on Fíli's dukely dingler. But hands roamed, tongues swirled, mouths sucked, and eventually they were satisfied, very satisfied. Their first crisis as spouses solved spectacularly. Hopefully they would all end this well.

Both the wedding and coronation went off exactly as planned. True to their word, Balin, Dori, and Bilbo had indeed organized everything, right down to new silk smallclothes for their outfits. All they did that day was walk up a long aisle, hold hands, said “I do” rather more times than they expected, and walk back out wearing new crowns. At least that’s what they remembered. All in all, it was a rather long day, they were just too besotted with each other to notice.

Bilbo’s new retinue fussed and preened all through dinner. In recognition of their dedication to the royal family, Kíli had named Merry and Pippin Guardians of Erebor and tasked them with the safety of Bilbo (and Thorin by default) in the Shire. Thorin was vaguely concerned that he might actually need them to protect him from Bilbo’s family.

Dwalin was aghast at being passed over until he realized how little he would see of Nori in that job. Fíli was still torturing him. Every time he looked remotely like he might get huffy, Fíli would sing-song, “...on the first day, Nori…”

Still nothing felt as good to anyone that night as two young newlyweds crawling exhausted into bed and actually looking forward to sleep.

Kíli smiled, “Good night, your serene highness, Duke Filibert Frederick Guillaume Alastair of Ered Luin, Prince Consort of Erebor, Marquis of Mithlond, Earl of Lune, Baron Himling.”

Fíli snorted and pulled the younger man close, each wrapping their arms around the other, “dork.”

“That’s King Dork, may I remind you,” Kíli mumbled sleepily.

“I still love your stupid face,” Fíli breathed, almost asleep.

“I’m going to poop in your slippers on the honeymoon…”

“That was not even cute when you were a chihuahua you know.”

“But you loved me anyway.”

“I love you anyway.”

Another crisis resolved, they fell asleep, limbs entwined.


End file.
